It is a truth universally acknowledged that a rainy day becomes much cheerier when one is in possession of a turquoise umbrella.

8/1/11

The Individual's Guide to Living With Gnats

During the summer in South Georgia, there are two types of conversation starters that you will likely hear most:

A) "It sure has been hot, hasn't it?"

and  

B) "The gnats are terrible this year, aren't they?"


Of these two questions, B) will often receive the most intense response. Why? Few people know the summer definition of torment until they have spent several hours fanning away hoards of gnats. The heat might be excruciating, but the swarms of these creatures attacking your being from every side succeeds in quadrupling the agony.

You know the classic scene from the movie "Singin' in the Rain" where the main character does a perfectly choreographed song and dance? Here, we reenact that scene every time we step outdoors. "Singin' in the Gnats" is what we call it. We skip outdoors with a smile on our face and a song on our lips.

Well, it's actually more of a Eeyore-ish trudge at the chore of going outside. And we're really not smiling. And we try to keep the song in our hearts because if we opened our mouths, the gnats would fly in.

Other than that though, it's almost identical.


If you're a citizen of South Georgia, then you understand what we mean and will join in the conversation with gusto to detail your intense dislike of our resident gnats.

If you're a visitor from a northern state or even North Georgia, you're likely not engaging in conversation at all. You've either wound up in the emergency room with gnatatic shock or have lost consciousness altogether. The gnats don't mind. It gives them opportunity to swarm without receiving resistance.


Whether you're a local or a visitor to our gnat-infested great state, the following guide with its breathtaking illustrations will offer solutions and tips for effectively dealing with the miniscule creatures that some believe are conspiring to take over the world. 

Read for your safety, sanity, and the fact that it's always nice to avoid a trip to the ER from gnatatic shock.


There's nothing more annoying than trying to eat while a group of tiny insects flock your food. There's also nothing more annoying than hearing the traditional responses to complaints in this area of "Oh, they won't eat much" or "Just ignore the gnats and eat. If you swallow a few, that's alright. They're nutritious."

The jury's still out on whether that last one holds any gnat of truth. We have our doubts.

One guaranteed solution to your gnat dilemma is to position yourself in front of a small electric fan. Its cool breeze will send the critters flying. Yes, this is indeed the answer to your problem.

Except you won't be able to move away from the fan. Or get any work done. For the gnats will attack your face the second you step out of the line of blowing air.
 While the previous solution might have been riddled with a few holes, this next idea is sure to work. It is genius in its simplicity, really, and won't cost you a cent. 

Stay inside.

That's right. Hide in the safety of your home 24/7 with the doors locked and the blinds closed. You might become as pale as mayonnaise during the summer months from lack of sunshine, but you will have successfully avoided the pesky gnats.

Except that you won't have any means of accessing food. Or interacting with others. And there is the small fact that gnats have the curious habit of finding their way indoors no matter what you do.


This next technique is fairly easy to master for Southerners and Northerners alike and will solve your gnat afflictions better than the first two solutions. It requires sticking out your bottom lip, like so, and blowing upward.

Try it a few times right now. As always, practice makes perfect. Don't be discouraged if you fail to master this technique the first or thirtieth time around. When you do, it will change your life.

Except that it's difficult to talk and blow at the same time. Which will limit your conversational ability. And we have received reports in the past of broken bottom lips due to overuse.

If the previous solutions still have not worked for you, fear not. We have saved the best for last. Take a moment to look down at the appendages on the ends of your arms.






That's right! You have not one, but TWO hands! While the first is occupied with doing whatever task you've set out to accomplish, the other may fan the gnats away. It will take time to master doing everything with one hand, but we're confident in your ability. Plus, you will look like a friendlier person as most will assume you're waving at them.

It's a win/win technique.



We're looking forward to learning about the lives that have been changed from reading this guide.

Hey, peoples, I've been out of town, so I haven't been commenting back as I should, but I did want to let you know how much I appreciate your comments on the past two posts. Also, the link-up on my photo challenge hasn't been working--it's fixed now, but I've extended the deadline until August 8th. :)

9 thoughts:

Julia said...

I love this! Gnats sound NASTY... we don't have them where I live, but we do have mosquitoes. And those are just gross. The wonderfullness of summer always has to be studded with bugs!

Melody Joy ________________________________ said...

You post such funny things. I'll have to read this post to my sisters.

Johanna Grace said...

This made me laugh so hard!!! :) Down in Texas we have the problem of mosquitoes.... not quite the same though :D

I'm still working on getting my picture for the photo contest, I can't find a frame :)

Blessings!
Johanna
http://kidsonthefarm.blogspot.com

Nela said...

Fun post! :) Where I live, the only nuisance there is are the dreadful mosquitoes. *blah*

Bailey said...

On the miserably exciting camp out during camp week, someone told me that gnats go for the tallest part of your body. That's why they're always in your face -- literally. True?

So stick your hand way above your head and watch them flock to it, leaving you perfectly able to carry on as normal a conversation as you can.

Lynn said...

The gnats are my least favorite thing about visiting my Grandma in central GA. When they appear, they're just EVERYWHERE all at once!

Miss Sophia said...

They're nutritious. . . LOL!

Bethany Grace said...

Tip #1002: If you happen upon small gnat or mosquito larvae, no amount of boiling water will kill them, so stop wasting your time trying.

Truly, I tried it on a huge swamp of baby mosquitoes (boiling water). I succeded in scroching the groun black, but they didn't seem to mind.

You forgot to mention that a space suit would definitely keep those pests out. :)

Alli said...

Ahh!!! LOVE it! It sounds like your gnats are as bad as our 'skeeters ;D
♥Alli